This is one of the more difficult problems that parents are faced with as their child is growing. Around the age of three, children develop the “theory of mind”, in which they discover that not only do they have their own mind, but so too do other people. They gradually realise that they can know things that you do not, …
Talking about unspeakable things
I’ve been invited to present a workshop in Malaysia about how to help parents talk to their children about unspeakable things, and it got me thinking about what things are hard to talk about, and why that may be. It is a common experience when talking with someone about what is bothering them, for there to be a time of …
Understanding or Agreeing
I once found myself witnessing a pretty heated conversation between a son and his mother. Well, it wasn’t really a conversation, as the son was making little effort to try to understand the mother’s point of view. Instead, he just kept repeating his complaints, his point of view, and trying to dominate his mother into seeing it his way. I …
Be cool…it’s no big deal
What is “cool”? We know “cool” when we see it, and it is considered in most cultures to be a valuable trait. But what is it? Many people have looked at this and there is no clear answer. But what do cool people all have in common? In your mind go back to secondary school and picture the “uncool” kids. …
Number 5: Playfulness
Perhaps this should have been tip number one. Playfulness is how children learn best. Sometimes we focus so much on the problems that we forget how to find the fun. Now of course some things are serious, and sometimes there is no place for flexibility. But if when interacting with your child you have the option of finding the fun, …
Number 4: Rupture and Repair
“The event doesn’t matter…it’s what happens next that matters”. If parenting is the gradual disappointment of children, then ruptures are unavoidable. In fact they are a good thing. As it is through 1000’s of ruptures and repairs that a child discovers that there is no fear of disappointment, a key part of learning how to hate well… “You annoy me, …
Number 3: the best punishment
This third tip requires you to watch a 60 second YouTube video here. Parent often want to talk with me about boundaries and consequences. There are numerous possibilities, but the best one to use comes at the end of this video. Chapter 9 of my book gives some ideas about helpful consequences too. Although I use the term “punishment” above, …
Number 2: the broken record
Have you ever tried to calmly address an issue with your child? And suddenly find yourself in a heated argument about something that has nothing to do with what you were initially trying to achieve. Going off on a tangent or changing the topic is a great strategy to get you unsettled, not follow through, and drags you into saying …
Top 5 tips for creating change with your child. Permission asking.
Happy New Year! Thank you to everyone for their kind words of both support and constructive criticism of the newsletters and videos I have created over the past year or so. I’ve had a few people ask if I could give some practical tips that work. I’ve also had feedback that people particularly like it when I use a story …
Judgment
Judgment. Have you had the experience of thinking a particular thing for a long time, and then your child challenges it and you realise you were wrong? A couple of weeks ago I was talking with my teenage daughter and the idea of judgment came up. As we were going back and forth about the idea, I made the statement… …